JMF

♡ ✞ ♡

missing you brother

missing you friend

missing all that was

and what might’ve been

the years may go by

but some things never change

so I look deep within 

where your memory remains

I remember the laughter

I remember the tears

each and every moment

spanning seventeen years

my, were we blessed 

with all that God gave

but most of all, Jesus

who conquered the grave

thus with hope we rejoice

in the very best of news

to know we’ll see you again

our aching hearts are soothed

when our tears still fall

and our cheeks they dampen

we remember the strength

of the heart of our champion

and how nine years ago today

Jesus took you by the hand

the Angels began to sing

as He said, “Welcome Home Young Man”

♡ ✞ ♡

Sending hugs to Heaven today and always! Love and miss you everyday, James! ❤ xoxo

A Letter to My Brother...

Dear James,

Today is my saddest day. This day, nine years ago, I was making my way home, praying to God to let me get there in time to say goodbye to you. You were dying and I was 400 miles away. All I wanted was to be with you, Mom, Dad, Nora, and Brendan.

I'll never forget how I felt in those moments. Terrified and sad, I bargained with God for most of them. "Please God, please God"... over and over and over. I let Him fill in the rest because my heart couldn't bare to say your name and "die" in the same sentence.

How could you be dying? This wasn't supposed to happen. You were supposed to get better. You did everything right, we all did. The chemo was supposed to make your Cancer go away. The radiation was supposed to help. Then the bone marrow transplant was supposed to save you. Why didn't it? Why didn't my bone marrow save you? I didn't want to buy you more time, I wanted to buy you a lifetime. This was supposed to be but a detour that we would talk about years down the road during family dinners.

You. Weren't. Supposed. To. Die.

You were supposed to grow old with us. You were supposed to have a future: go to college, get married, have kids, be the best man in Brendan's wedding and he in yours, look out for Nora and I, tell your nieces and nephews about the times you got away with doing back flips on the slopes during ski club and that time you didn't. But that future was not to be.

Holding your hand, watching you take those final breaths, those dreams faded away into a box labeled, "What If...," forever to remain unanswered questions. It is a box we open and sift through frequently this time of year. What would you be doing for a living? Where would you be living? Who would have stolen your heart? Who would your children look like? What would you be doing for the countless number of other children going through what you went through? There is no doubt in my mind you'd be doing something for them. You had a heart for people and saw the best in everyone.

Since you died, I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that I’m forgetting something or that I always just have one more thing to take care of. I don’t quite know how to describe it, but I’ve realized it’s the constant feeling of you not being here.

I have news to share (good or bad) and I call Mom, Dad, Nora, Brendan, and there will always be one more person to call. It’s Mother’s or Father’s Day and Nora, Brendan, and I are signing a card and there’s one more name left to sign. It’s Christmas morning and we open our stockings, Dad's, Mom's, mine, Nora's, Brendan's, and there’s one more to open, but there it hangs on the mantel, empty. It’s always going to be there, that unsatisfiable feeling of “one more.” That feeling will be there every day for as many days as we each have left this side of Heaven.

Yes James, today is and will always be my saddest day because it is the day I said goodbye to the idea that our family would always be whole here on Earth.

And yet, after today, comes tomorrow.

The day, nine years ago, that you stood in front of Jesus for the very first time. No more pain, no more feeling sick, no more sadness, not even any missing us because for you, it will be but a moment until we are with you again.

There you stood in the presence of He who made a way for us to always be in His presence. He who suffered unimaginably and then gave His very life because He loved us that much. Oh what that must have been like. I can only imagine the look of pure joy on your face, James.

Tomorrow will always hold sadness because we said goodbye to you, but it being the day you entered Heaven also makes it a day of so much joy.

We still miss you more with every passing moment. There is an ache in our hearts with every new memory that is made without you. That won't change. Another thing that will never change are the memories we do have that you were there for. There isn't a day that goes by I don't thank God for the seventeen years we had with you. We were blessed far beyond our ability to measure. I think back on the changes to our family over the past several years and pray God's given you a window to look through from time to time, James, and continues to do so.

You are remembered.

You are missed.

You are loved.

Sending so many hugs to Heaven today, tomorrow, and always.


xoxo,

Lauren

"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."  ~ Psalm 30:5

a poem.

The Envy of Innocence

do you recall a simpler time
when the world seemed to go about
its day, the very way it ought
when the only way you knew
to measure time was not by days,
or weeks, or years, but by moments
and when seasons transitioned
more slowly than they do now
yesterday never felt like a memory
but the extension of our souls
carrying over to the next day
and every day to come
a time you were too young to dread
the way it would one day change
when enough days were lived
to be collectively called the past
and yesterdays were now
remembered through a haze,
the laughter a little quieter,
the colors less bright
and you would long to get back
to the place you remembered
but a place you’d never really been
because in truth we remember life
the way we wished we would’ve lived


~ LMF

Pen to Page... or at least Hand to Keyboard : )

I’m trying a new approach. I’m going to commit to posting a blog at least once a week, and it’s going to vary between the entertaining, the interesting, and the straight up mundane. I want to include everything from what happened to me on a given day to a poem I’ve written, maybe a short story, inspiring quotes.  In essence, it’s going to be everything and nothing at the same time. And you don’t have to read a single word, if you don’t want to. That’s not why I’m doing this. But, of course,  I hope you will.

"I am most at peace

when I put pen to page

That I dare not cease

until a ceasing of the age."