There are some people out there who are brilliant gift buyers. They always seem to get the most perfect thing for whoever they’re buying a present for. Even on those occasions it’s for someone they don’t know particularly well.
I am definitely not one of those people. I always get stressed out and end up frantically searching the internet, often begging Pinterest (and my Mom) to help me.
But… today I would welcome the stress if I could. The frantic search, the self-inflicted pressure, the anticipation as I watched him open it to see if he liked whatever I would've picked out for his 28th birthday.
Eleven. That’s how many it’s been. That’s how many times I haven’t had to pick out a birthday present for him. That’s how many times I haven’t picked up the phone to call my mom and ask her if she had any ideas about what James might want for his birthday.
If I’d known the last time truly would’ve been the last gift I’d ever be able to get him for his birthday, what would that gift have been? I’m not sure I have an answer.
I was supposed to go back to Tennessee today. (But in true Lauren fashion, those plans changed.) I always “need” one more day. This season felt so rushed. I’ve also never not been with my family on his birthday and this year didn’t feel like the one to change that. I wanted to be home. I wanted to be with those who remember his smile, his laugh, his voice, his love of the life he lived and the people he filled it with. I had an answer ready for whoever asked why my plans changed. Maybe I always need one more day because I remember what it felt like to not get one.
Last month I was talking to my Grandma on the phone and I asked her what she wanted for her birthday. Her response, laced with humor and a chuckle was, “when you get to be my age what you usually want for your birthday is another one.”
Maybe that’s my answer. I wish I could’ve given him another one. Just one more. And of course on his next birthday, another one, and on the next, another... until we were old and gray and had more birthdays than we wanted to count.
I'll settle for the silver lining. Knowing my brother is celebrating his birthday in a place where there is more joy than we could possibly imagine. Today we'll raise a glass to my brother as we celebrate him on our side of heaven, knowing it's one birthday closer until the day we celebrate on his.
Happy 28th Birthday, James. I love and miss you more than I'll ever be able to put into words, and sending more hugs to Heaven than you'll ever be able to count.
Xo,
Lauren
